6 days in the life of a happy fatty

I have gained 2 stone in a year, wear big knickers through necessity rather than retro choice though as luck would have it have also gained an ample bosom.

I have been asked to write a little piece for a  fanzine to be produced as part of The Underground Open House Art Movement  – (www.uoham.co.uk) So here is my diary!

Thursday 19th

Cooked for 14 hours today, as I have 2 supper clubs coming up. As usual skipped most official meals, dipped my chubby fingers in truffle honey,  young goats cheese  (www.la-cave.co.uk), cheesecake mix and sorrel pesto whilst drinking cups of Assam tea, the vanilla and ginger juice from my poached rhubarb and a coffee from SMALL BATCH (www.smallbatchcoffee.co.uk )  Made and baked 48 pasties and sweet potato frittatas for my one wholesale client TEN GREEN BOTTLES (www.tengreenbottles.com)  they have 45 each week, of course ate the spares with some chilli jam, could have done without the latter as I had already eaten 11 teaspoons of the sweet and fiery chutney throughout my day.

Friday 20th

Have 40 guests coming for supper clubbing tonight and tomorrow. Slicing baguettes baking them off to top them with tasty…erm toppings. Purchased 1kg of pork belly; needs to be fatty and cooked it down for 4 hours, shredded it, packed it amongst its own fat and leave to mature. Unctuous  soft meat, piled on top of celeriac, grated and mixed with crème fraiche, capers and tarragon, hate this word but YUM (though better than fecking ‘Nom Nom).  Drag all my sitting room furniture upstairs and set out the dining space. Love this venture and looking forward to my guests arriving. Managed to eat a bowl of crunchy nut cornflakes at 1pm and a large slice of vanilla cheesecake with the aforementioned rhubarb with praline bits at 1am, these got stuck in my teeth thus I continued to eat whilst sleeping.

Saturday 21st

Another evening of supper clubbing though day 2 is always more relaxed. Need coffee and head to a new place for me MR WOLFE (www.mrwolfe.co.uk). Woah, great great coffee ‘tucked away, hidden gem’ with amazing looking cakes made by the owning wife. A lot of attention has gone into the design of this cool little Montpellier meets Melbourne coffee house.  Have never been to Australia but I can guess. I resist the calorie charms on offer; am meeting a friend for ‘brunch’. Don’t want to meet him at the peaceful cafe; he is likely to be hung over and hostile. We go to KOBA (www.kobauk.com) order 2 poached eggs with ham and hollandaise, on toast, Benedict to most people though the friend says ‘completely not’ without the English muffin. Head home to continue cooking. My guests arrive which include a ‘celebrity’ 80’s pop singer. Things get quite rowdy in a disco way, I cower in the kitchen eating handfuls of slow roast lamb contemplating how to manage the crowd. Grab the first things that comes to hand: a bottle of cabernet sauvignon wine vinegar and a paring knife and head on through to the dining room…..I look quite threatening and get a little bossy. Eat more lamb go to bed.

Sunday 22nd

Head back to MR WOLFES eat a COCOA (www.cocoabrighton.co.uk) croissant and drink another perfectly created coffee.  Wander round Waitrose buying cereal, marmalade, strawberries and pears, the berries will no doubt grow fluff before I get the chance to eat them. Have a good chat with a member of staff, show her my piece in OLIVE MAGAZINE (www.bbcgoodfood.com) and she wants to come supper clubbing. Bump into yesterdays friend in the sherry isle where we agree to share lunch. Nip home, shower. Meet at Browns; he is nice about my dress we complain about mucked around with Champagne cocktail, drink 2….. Go for Dim Sum CHINA GARDEN (www.chinagarden.name).  Eat loads, all delicious, friend orders, shall have to always bring him with me. See a guest from Friday’s supper club: I shout her name; apparently a little too loudly. Friend heads to BHS for ‘pillows n homeware’. Stagger home, fall into a coma, wake up eat toast and marmalade, cook oven chips and feel a little weak and yellow; think jaundice rather than bright and jolly.

Monday 23rd

Send the teenager to school and go back to bed…. Have a big evening of feasting ahead.  Am extremely flattered to be invited to a cheffy ‘do’ where I sit alongside all the finest Brighton and Sussex chefs at the delicious French restaurant L’EGLISE in Hove (www.legliserestaurant.co.uk) 5 courses of meaty marvellousness to show case the fantastic meat of Herefordshire farmer Richard Vaughan (www.huntsham.com).  A starter of porky terrine, a plate of lamb cooked in 3 ways, beef bourguignon complete with a piece of roasted bone marrow on a slice of bread fried in beef dripping.  Amazing cheeses, a desert with elderflower liqueur, pastry and cream.  I hope the espresso will boot my adrenal glands into burning off some of tonight’s calories though imagine I would need to consume a skip full.

Tuesday 24th

It’s now 10.12am and since this time yesterday my bathroom scales tell me I have gained 5.5lbs in 24 hours. Perhaps I should become a fruitarian though I suspect I would end up mainly drinking fermented grape juice with perhaps a little elderflower cordial; went to MR WOLFES again, long black with hot milk, sadly in a cup not a skip. Found myself at MOSHI MOSHI (www.moshibrighton.co.uk) for lunch….the new spring menu rocks, loved the tuna sashimi salad with an incredible zingy miso dressing. Met the lovely Eva for a glass of fermented fizzy grape juice at BOHEMIA (www.bohemiabrighton.co.uk)  talked cake.  Arrive home agree to take the teenager for ice-cream …I shall have sorbet and a glass of water and perhaps some Gaviscon.


1 thought on “6 days in the life of a happy fatty

  1. Just found this, Tina. P***ing myself laughing, I love your style, must be in your genes!

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